Stay down. It's okay.

That wasn't necessarily the revelation I received this morning but as the day has progressed, I'm feeling as if, for now, it's true. Staying in bed is not necessarily the "wrong" choice. Perhaps it's what's needed to heal...

Last night, I had the most vivid dream. It projected many of my insecurities as a series of bizarre twists and turns. Each person in my life was represented in someway. Many were obstacles keeping me from someone important. As the series of events unraveled I became very aware that this would be my last opportunity to see this person. She was leaving and would be gone forever. I had to reach her. 

Eventually, and without any malice to those that were keeping me from her, I was able to intercept that person. And with her own urgency she asked me, "What can I do for you? What do you really want?"

The tears swelled in my eyes as I said, "To hold you." I named my siblings and insisted we each needed more time and a chance to just hold her. 

So she did.

She held me so tight. I got to touch her hair and feel her warmth. With my arms wrapped around my mom, I sobbed. 

I was crying so hard I don't remember the transition from sleep to awake. Unable to open my eyes I rolled in bed and the tears kept flowing. By the time morning came I was spent. 

I was confused as to why that took so much from me. It's Saturday, so Mitch was home and the boys were fine. I didn't feel pressured to get out and get going, so I tried to rest. But sleep never came again which made me want to get out of bed. I forced myself up with the intention of eating something to make me feel better ... My body disagreed. After feeling like I'd contracted the flu, I ended up back in bed angry with myself that I was failing at getting out of bed and being a mom today. 

However, as the day progressed and I rested, my symptom's subsided and the thought came to me again, "Stay down. It's okay."

In my mind I waisted the morning away, my stomach churned yet my heart felt at peace. I stayed in bed and it was okay. It was okay because my family had today covered. It was okay because, I didn't let anyone down if I didn't show up... in fact I didn't have anywhere to be.  It was okay because tomorrow I will be up and I will be able to resume life as always.  

This week is not going to be easy for me. With my Mom's Birthday on Wednesday I'm constantly having to fight with my emotions, my mind and my imagination all of which want me to feel everything all the time good or bad. That probably doesn't make sense, but I think the point is I'm not invincible. And my body worked very hard today to remind me of that. 

I'm up now. Moving slowly. Soaking up the peace in my house and getting extra hugs from my boys. 

Tomorrow I will start where I am. Shake off the guilt from the "failure" of today because it's okay to have this kind of day. In fact, I needed it. That way, I can stand up tomorrow.