Somethings happen...
Not necessarily big things, but events.
They come along and remind you someone is missing.
So far it's been Holiday's, her birthday, and Spring. Spring used to include the making of yard work lists. Lists that are now no longer done in her hand writing.
So what what event is it this week?
It's my birthday.
I've never been a fan of my birthday. I came to avoid it as I grew up for simple reasons, ie: 4/20 jokes, Hitler's Birthday, you know stupid stuff. Then I discovered that out there in the world, other bad things would happened on my birthday ... the Columbine School Shooting was a big one in my memory ... and when there wasn't a huge bad thing happening then small trivial things would domino around me to the magnitude that by the end of the day I was convinced "being Jinxed" was a real thing.
Thus, it was safer to accept birthday congrats the day or week afterward instead of the day off.
This year ...
I welcome the disasters.
Because nothing can make me feel worse then how I have felt all week...
Monday morning I woke up, having had a vivid dream, but I woke up so angry. Which didn't make any sense to me. How can a dream where I could feel my mother hug me. I could touch her face and I could hear her voice, how on earth does a dream that amazing leave me feeling so horrible?
... but it did.
... I was mad.
... I was depressed.
... and I was still GOING TO WORK!
Honestly I should have stayed home, but I pushed through. Then I pushed through the next day. I kept pushing and pushing, unable to shake the feeling until I was driving home from work alone and the tears exploded.
Turns out, the reason was very simple.
To wake from that specific dream to find myself in a place where she no longer resides. A place where I can't hold her or hear her voice wish me a Happy Birthday.
... it hurt.
... it still hurts.
So yes,I'm not going to enjoy my birthday tomorrow. And no this is not call for attention or a challenge to help me change that.
... this is a fact.
... this is my first Birthday without my mom.
... and I will get through it.
Without her I wouldn't be here. Without her, I wouldn't have my love of music nor would I have had such a strong desire to be a mom myself.
Thank you for my Birthday, Mom.
... thank you for being in my dreams.
... and I'll see you there again soon.
No comments:
Post a Comment