GRACE

I don’t know what I expected of myself this Christmas... 

I may have expected to have presents ready for everyone I loved... 

I may have expected to have Christmas cards out to more people then I know...

I may have expected to have the outside lights on my house...

I may have expected to crochet stalkings and/or sew some other Christmas decor for my home...

I may have expected to have had my Andes Mint Cookies made and delivered long before today...

I definitely expected to have my own family pictures done and framed by now... 

... but I don’t. 

... far from it, in fact. 

Instead I've cried. I've curled up on the couch and stared into space. My heart has hurt for myself and for friends. I've zoned out in the middle of conversations because I'm mentally tired. I've struggled to not forget important things, but I still manage to forget them. I've worried that I'm missing someone that needs me...

Yeah, I know. That's a lot of over thinking and what I really need, is to give myself a little grace. 

I'm okay with things not being perfect. Yes I'm not putting lights up this year but guess what, I have them inside, where it's warm and that's where I am. 

It's okay that I don't have presents for everyone. I don't have the money for that anyway, so why was I thinking that was possible?! Same with Christmas Cards. But it's no big deal, Digital is fine too. 

I will continue to cry and I will continue to forget important things, but I also have my kids. They help me remember things like story time at night, Movie time, snuggle time, lego time, and baking stuff that they want to eat. 

I guess, I may not be doing the things I expected but I do think this Christmas is what I expected. 

It's hard. Every moment I pause, I miss mom. I want to share things with her and tell her stories about my boys. What random things they said or did today. I also worry about my dad. I want to invite him to everything and I want him to stay at our house for all our dinners and unrealistically I don't want him to be alone for a moment.

But it's also amazing how much more I'm able to focus on Christ. My Facebook feed is AMAZINGLY focused on My Savior. The music and the stories. I have such great friendships that even when people post about their family they still share a message of Christ.

Music has kept the Spirit in my home in the past few weeks and music has such an amazing power. It helps me remember even though I will forget things, and let people down, my Savior still loves me. And that's going to help me get through tomorrow.

I love Christmas. I love my Savior and he will help me between the sad moments, to find the Joy.

Hey look a family picture ... CHECK