I was taught to be resilient. Looks like it stuck.

From the time my oldest brother started driving to school, I remember everyone yelling the same thing as they ran out the door: 

"Good-bye, mom! Have a good day! Be Safe! Wear your seatbelts. Seatbelts Save lives!"

And in response my mother would yell:

"Ditto!"

As the first day of school rapidly approaches, this memory came to mind. Then, my chest hurt, my eyes filled with tears and I wanted to believe I can't do tomorrow without her. But it didn't take long for me to also remember what she taught me.

Resilience: Spiritual Resilience. Physical Resilience. Emotional Resilience. 

I have been taught it. I have learned to have it and use it. 

Right now, I hate it. Why? Because ... 

I will get up tomorrow. I will go to work. I will do my best to be of help to those around me. I will do my job and hopefully learn something new in the process. I will reconnect with my coworkers and share in the joys of their summer experiences. For the comfort of others I will bury my hurt deep inside and find ways to deflect and lift others up. I will know the hurt is there but I have persevere. I will continue as if it's not.

Then I'll come home and I will want to call her. I will want to tell her all about my first day and the boys' first day. The ups, the downs, all of it. But she's not going to answer. I won't hear her thoughts after I tell her what I had to do. I won't hear her laughter when I tell her I had a "SkittleBowl" moment when dropped, tripped, or ran into a chair. Again I will be reminded she's no longer with me.

Knowing that's going to happen and knowing its going to hurt makes me want to curl up in a ball and give up. I could just let day pass by around me. Stay one more day in the false belief that if I don't go out into the continuously moving world I won't experience those moment of pain when I remember I can't reach out and hold her hand. I can't hear her voice. And I won't get those text messages that made me smile in the morning with a, "have a good day at school". 

But I can't pretend that hiding will keep those moments away. I was taught to be resilient. I can't give up to stay hidden in my home. 

The podcast I heard this morning spoke of a man who lost his son, and in that moment he begged God to take away the pain of loss from him. That's when the spirit touched his mind with one thought, 

He could take away the pain, but to do that, God would have to take away the 9 years he'd had with his son. Because without that time, and love, and memories, the pain wouldn't have been so intense. The man knew in that moment he would never wish that time away. Instead he could bare the pain now to remember those blessed moments they'd had together. 

Indeed God made my spirit resilient to the whirlwinds of life. Indeed he gave me parents that taught me how to tap into that strength. So even though tomorrow is going to be so hard. I will get though it and I will reach that moment where I will cry and I will hurt because I can't call her. But I will make it through that moment by rejoicing in the memories I do have of her. 

Then the next day will come, and I'll do it again.

"Good-bye, mom! Have a good day! Be Safe!"