My thoughts have been completely scattered. I blame a lot of my habits for this, and the depression. Yet, the hardest part about myself is I know how to pull myself out but I'm choosing not to. Which adds on the guilt.
Seriously?
Do I want to be miserable?
I know there are times where being miserable is just easier. It gives me an excuse to hide from people - People stress me out. Too much to be aware of when you're around them. Using the right Body language, using the right words, trying not too offend while also keeping the conversation moving. Thinking of the answer to their questions while knowing what to ask next ... seriously. People are exhausting. - See, it's easier to hide in my home with the people I love and who love me even though I don't constantly entertain them.
It makes me wonder if I've defaulted to being miserable just to be left alone.
Today, I was able to hear a talk from Elder Soares from the quorum of the 12 apostles. I love hearing from our living prophets and this one happened to come to our area to speak with us. It was a great reminder that the Lord is aware of me, right now. As our prophets do he extended some challenges which I can see will be helpful in improving my mental state and my ability to cope with grief. But I also see myself pausing to wonder if I'm ready to face this well.
You see I have a testimony in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that the enabling power of the Atonement will make me stronger so that I can endure well. He's done it before. When it was my body that sick, my problem that I was facing he made me strong so that I could persevere and do everything in my power to move forward in life. But this suffering is different. This suffering is where I have to watch, completely incapable of fixing the problem, and still function on day to day things. So, I need strength but ...
... I'm afraid ...
... I'm afraid to be strong while she suffers.
One of the speakers today talked about how we go through these dark times and these trials that we might share what we learn with others. He shared how the sudden death of his mother coincided with a similar death in another family. The Lord directed their paths to cross and they were able to grieve together. It's a wonderful event and it's miracle is not at all lost on me. But I've said this before, I'm tired of being used as a way to strengthen others.
All through the failure that was fertility treatments and loss of baby, I was blessed by all those that rallied around me. They often shared with me their gratitude I gave them a chance to pray for me. Basically, I struggled that others might be able to strengthen their testimony as they supported me ... I know my experience gave, my nieces, nephews, sisters, brothers, parents and friends, it gave them all a chance to grow closer to their Heavenly Father on my behalf ... I'm glad, but it was exhausting. And I feel that if I endure this well, I'll have to be an example to others again.
Selfish? Heck yeah. I've got a bit of selfishness in me, that's part of my trial. I don't believe I have enough to give up on enduring, it's a matter of finding my way to enduring well.
That's why I write ... That and the people from the Family Service haven't gotten around to calling me back.So this is my therapy session. I know this entry is twisted around like a maze in a highlights magazine but this is my thought process today. I have some tools and challenges from a prophet of God that will help me. If I start where I am right now, maybe I can push off the selfishness and just become what I need ... let the rest take care of itself.
No comments:
Post a Comment