Mason's 10 year pictures ... I am almost a month behind in taking them and I was starting to wonder what was wrong with me.
I could easily blame the chaos of spring sports, after school activities, and church activities but that's not it. Then my sister reminded me, we had just hit the six month mark. That estimated deadline doctors gave us, of how long mom would be here on earth with us. That's when I realized that everything around me had gotten darker.
On mom's request I picked up my camera on Sunday. She asked me to snap some pictures of her and her grandkids and I realized that this grief has been handicapping my creativity. I don't find many things beautiful at the moment...
As I took her pictures, I had plans and poses that she requested. It was all mapped out in my mind ahead of time as a normal photographer would, but in the moment, I couldn't think of any. I asked my nieces and nephews to just talk with grandma. To relax and just be with her but apparently we've conditioned our young children too well. They paused and smiled for each shot.
... and I let it happen.
Thankfully the pictures are turning out well, but it was an eye opener for me.
... My creativity as a photographer has been hindered.
This also explains why I'm not throwing myself into the business. Nor pulling my camera out to capture the changing of winter to spring. It also explains why I can't write or put any thoughts coherently onto paper.
In the past I relied on my creativity to get me through stress and pain. I would have never made it through that first round of infertility without creating Monti. - I know you don't know who that is, but she was a wonderful character in a story I wrote that bore all my pain and anguish in her journey. - I treasure my imagination and creativity. I want it back.
... This is the best it's going to get for a while.
Update : I managed to glean through an old story. It's not perfect but with kind of creative block, I call it a success : FAULT - Beckoning Character Backstory
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