Channel the Pain

artist: Taryn Taylor (2009)

This is Monti. She is a 17 years old mage with the ability to transmute metal. Any kind of metal, manipulating it into whatever form she needs. 

And she holds a lot of pain. 

I remember when I created her. I was driving down the freeway in Las Vegas. Headed home in the thick of traffic, listening to Evanescence and I was just sad. I was facing the reality of my infertility issues and facing the first loss of our attempts with artificial insemination. The pain of that loss was easy to hide from everyone. I managed to put on the face of hope. We had a plan to continue forward. Even though our first plan failed, there was some hope to draw on. 

But just because I could put on that face, did not mean the pain was gone. I needed somewhere for it to go. 

At the time I was writing a story with Taryn which was a good distraction but it wasn't enough. Then this little girl formed in my mind. She was a vessel that could experience something horrific, over and over and over again and still she would wake up. 

She would live. 

Live with the pain. Live, with the fact she would never be released from it. But she would live none the less.

So over the continued years of loss and failure in my life, Monti experienced so much more hardships. Her backstory developed giving her justified reasons for being alone. Reasons too wish for death but never able to succeed. 

It did help me survive that time. 

And now, I'm facing so much pain and loss again that I find myself turning to her. Wondering if she can take more from me. Perhaps this time it's too much and I can't use her. 

But I owe Monti a lot. She deserves a story that's complete. 

So I'm going to try and use my sorrow now to complete just one of her stories. Hopefully I can use her to help create a distraction that dulls the pain. Or at the very least, write a story.